Tess For Peace

I've got these bikini bottoms with peace signs all over and they make me feel like a big salty douche. Goddamn, they are so ridiculous. Okay, well, in my defense, they were the only bikini bottoms in Macy's that didn't make my love handles explode over the waistband like Pillsbury dough, and I dig the pattern, all meaning aside. But it is pretty freaking ridiculous to advertise peace on your clothes, let alone all over freaking bikini bottoms. I mean, chances are if you're purchasing clothes that advertise peace, you're in a place where you're not going to change any minds. For example, here I am in the Bay Area, spitting distance from San Francisco. I'm not going to get anything done by advertising peace on my swimsuit here. It's not like I'm parading my ass around the leaders of the world until they all agree that peace is the answer, then get stoned and listen to Dark Side of the Moon.

Chances are also that if you're purchasing clothes that advertise peace, you probably haven't put a whole lot of thought into the matter. Chances are that you dig the Lucky Brand neo-hippie look, are generally into love and peace, and have smoked weed at least three times. And if you have actually sat down and thought about peace for a long time and carefully reached the educated conclusion that peace is the answer, what in the sam hell are you doing spending your time and money at the mall? Wouldn't you rather be contributing to the cause in a more direct manner? If you want to legitimately campaign for peace, you'll be lonely amongst hordes of twats in peace-sign bikini bottoms, and wearing peace signs on your clothes isn't going to do much. Even if you fly out to Baghdad wearing a peace-sign pin, you'd probably just get shot a little more promptly than others. Now the peace sign is just like the Abercrombie moose.

It's not doing much for me, either. Maybe people will like my butt more if they see that it's a peaceful butt. I'm conflict-phobic; does that count? What am I going to do if someone calls my bluff at the beach?

"I see you're into peace."
"Uh, yeah."
"That's radical, man."
"Uh, yeah, thanks."

Oh man. I am a toolie tool.