Tess Fought the Law

I like a lot of punk music, but I really shouldn't listen to it. My theory about punk is that its stylistic foundation is in being offensive. Punk is a force of revolution against how music should sound and people should act, and is definitionally incendiary and disgusting. If that's true, then I'm a total disgrace to the punk movement. I don't believe in anarchy, and I'm a wimp and a peacemaker, and having spent lots of time gravitating happily towards conformity, I certainly can't call myself a rebel. Here's the worst part: I listen to punk because I like how it sounds. *facepalm* That's exactly as wrong as possible. Punk at its best is shite music played by people who are too intoxicated to use their instruments as anything but symbols or weapons. Not only am I not supposed to actually like it, but it should be impossible to like.

Here's more about what this crackpot theory entails: the Sex Pistols, an obscenely ugly phenomenon, are the best punk band ever. The Ramones, with their radio-friendly riffs and matching outfits, may be the worst punk band ever. They are, though, one of history's greatest pop groups. The Ramones were rarely offensive (on a historically significant level - except when Dee Dee sang) or incendiary; au contraire, people love the Ramones. No one loves the Sex Pistols, because there's no place for love in punk. Plus, the Ramones demonstrate a small spectrum of emotions in their catalog, from energetic joie de vivre to lovesickness to melancholy. Punk doesn't leave room for emotions, either.

This theory portrays punk as a philosophy rather than a genre of music, therefore punk can be found in surprising places: Rage Against the Machine is absolutely punk, M.I.A.'s strange sound and behavior is punk, the startling cacophony of Modest Mouse's early days is punk, Beth Ditto is fucking punk, Lady GaGa is punk, Nirvana is plain punk (grunge was born of punk), Andy Warhol was punk, Brunelleschi was punk, the women's suffrage movement was punk, even Lil Mama is a lil punk... I'm not about to call her Lil Rotten, but the rebellious spirit of punk is reflected in all of these places, accompanied by a subtle threat to listeners' standards and preferences.

Whatever else they may tell you, true punks must have enjoyed high school, because it's the best place to be punk. Punks are warriors, and high school is a battlefield. I'm not nostalgic for it. I didn't like being so oppressed by fear as to sneak a water-bottle pipe behind the train tracks to smoke weed, or dropping a 12-pack and running from the cops, or lying to my parents to cover my tracks. I raised my middle finger reluctantly. Ironically, the high-schooler's fight against the law eventually ends in compromise: "Okay, now you can stay out late and drink, but I'm still not letting you smoke weed. Truce?" Yes, for some, including me.

I will always love the Ramones, and I will never love the Sex Pistols. Punk is a scary place, and my heart isn't anywhere near it. But I will gleefully crank Never Mind the Bollocks while driving my mom's Prius, chanting words that mean nothing to me with a snarl that isn't mine.